Death and Life

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Every now and then I start thinking about death. It’s morbid and a little depressing, but I can’t really help it. When it hits me, it stays with me for a few days.

I have never experienced the death of someone I considered myself to be close to, and for that I have every reason to be grateful.

Death is all around us, part of the lifecycle. For that reason I always viewed it as something that is going to happen. Something that has to happen. I have this idea in my head that when it gets close to me, I won’t be sad, but indifferent.

What I think about the most, though, is my own death.

I get up 5 days a week, go to the gym, go to work, then go home. I work to make money to pay bills to live life.  An unfulfilling life at that. We do all of these things to make ourselves “better”, such as educate ourselves, workout and diet, whatever it is that we see fit to do with our time. Find hobbies, start a family, build an empire, accumulate riches and wealth…

And then we die.

So, what’s the point of doing anything when it all eventually leads to nothing? 

On the other hand, since life is so short and we only get one chance here (as far as we can know, anyway), we should make the most of it.

That’s the other part I struggle with. How the hell do I make the most out of this when everything seems to be against me?

It makes me wonder how much control we really have over our own lives. I want to believe that everything we do is up to us and our circumstances can change if we want them to. At least to a certain extent. Obviously some aspects of life, such as nature and the actions of others, are out of our grasp.

Anywauy, I’m done with this for now.

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Oh what a beautiful view. But, not really.

Hopefully within the next few weeks I’ll be taking that picture on a sunny day at the oceanfront in Florida.

I currently reside in Auburn, IN, which is, for the most part, uninspiring. It’s basically a 3 mile strip of nothing more than fast food and gas stations. A break from the highway for whatever lies north or south. Which, if you ask me isn’t much either way for a long while.

I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with small towns like this, but it definitely seems to stunt my growth. I’ve never felt at home here, but I can’t quite explain why I haven’t left yet.

What bothers me so much is that this place has potential, but the people with the ability or the resources to make things happen don’t seem to have much of a vision.

Maybe I’m naive and unperceiving.

Anyway, I’m hoping that a change of scenery will bring a breath of fresh air and a lot of inspiration and opportunity to grow.

Aside

What to do, what to do.

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Does it make me greedy, selfish or lazy not wanting to work for someone else? I want to be the master of my own time and more importantly, my own life.

I’m 23 years young and I am already tired of working for other people. I’m fed up with adding to someone else’s fortune. And moreover, I’m tired of offering services I don’t believe in or care for.

All I really know is that I don’t want to have to earn my time. I want to do what I want to do.

By that I don’t mean I’m afraid of work or don’t want to work, I simply don’t want to do it for someone else.

There are so many articles about how to be your own boss and run your own business, too. The thing is, I’m not what I would consider an entrepreneur or a businessman.

I’m trying not to get hung up on that because I think that there has to be a better way.

The biggest problem I have is deciding what to do.

The way I see it, I’m mediocre at everything. I don’t have any special skills or unique product ideas.

I guess I’m more or less questioning whether or not it’s feasible for me to go out on my own and pave my own way.

I don’t have to get rich. I only want to find value in life experiences, if that makes sense.

What sort of things have worked for anyone out there who feels the same as I do? How have people found something that fits them when they don’t know exactly what they want to do?

I guess one thing to do is experiment with things. After all, something has to click.

Authority

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We’re suposed to take people at their word if they at least sound like they know what they’re talking about? I don’t think so.

People parade around all over spouting nonsense about everything. It seems as though no one knows anything for certain.

Most leaders I’ve had seem incompetent. Self-proclaimed leaders seem to be after their own interests. Politicians, bosses, you name it.

But, if someone doesn’t seek out a position of authority,  suited for it or not, how do you find someone to fill those spots?

Maybe leadership shouldn’t be a full time job. Or, representing a group of people should literally mean representing that group of people.

True leaders step up when they’re needed, not necessarily because they want to.

So, wouldn’t it be best to leave room for anyone and everyone to offer their assets to the group? People as a whole I believe would know what is best for them, and if a solution to a problem isn’t viable it can be turned down.

Compromise seems to be the way forward. If people can learn to communicate and work together, they can overcome the obstacles before them.

I believe I can see the problem, but I never seem to have an answer.

Aside

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I am the harshest self-critic I have ever met. Every word that I type I do so with contempt, judging my thoughts before they even hit the screen, wondering why it is that I even attempt to do write. 

But, here I am, daily trying to write something. I feel like it’s easier if I’m handwriting. Not sure why. 

I always wonder what it is that I want to say so badly that I am compelled to write. Sometimes it’s poetry (though not that great, I admit), sometimes my inquisitive nature takes over and “why’s” fill the pages. But, no matter what I write, I never feel as if I have reached the depths of my self. I’ve tried coming up with stories to write, but I don’t think I really have a story to tell either. 

And maybe that’s it. Maybe I dream of being able to tell a story. My girlfriend’s father likes to ask people what their story is. When I look at myself, I see a regular tale of a mediocre kid who has nothing to say for himself. And that sucks.

Many people have their passions and they know what they are. Me? I have passion and it can be applied towards anything. The problem is that I find myself to be easily discouraged when others tell me they don’t think it will work.

I shouldn’t do that. Neither should you. Your life is yours to live, and your passion is yours to use. Follow after the things that you want. Make your life happen. 

The only way to do things is to get up and do them.

I heard it said that the more you do, the more you will do. Which makes way too much sense. 

I want to stop making excuses for myself and get up and learn whatever it is that I want to learn or go wherever it is that I want to go. That’s all there is to it. 

If you want to do something badly enough, then you can make it happen. It is only a matter of doing. 

To those of you like me who have no idea what you want to do with your life; go out and start doing things until you find something that fits you. 

We can’t all be astronauts or firefighters or entrepreneurs. But, there is a place for everyone. 

Go out and do something. 

Just Another Blog Post

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I have always been some sort of a writer, though I haven’t always known what to say. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking about life. Lately, I’ve been doing quite a bit of writing as well. I wouldn’t really say that I’ve been writing anything life changing or coming up with ground-breaking ideas, but I enjoy getting my thoughts on paper, or in this case, a computer screen. 

I feel as though writing my words down, rather than speaking them, gives them more meaning, more clarity. But, why not keep them to myself? Why start a blog? I have an inherent desire to share my thoughts with others and to hear other’s thoughts as well. Of course, it’s all in hopes that maybe some idea of mine or theirs will bring on some form of enlightenment and make life a little easier. But, why does anyone think that someone else would care about what they have to say? 

Maybe it’s arrogance, but often I have an inexplicable notion that, whatever I’m thinking, may be the right thought. About as often though, I don’t understand what exactly it is that I am thinking. 

And that’s where writing comes in. I want to understand what is going on around me, not only from my point of view, but others views as well. 

I believe that humans should be of a collective mind of sorts, drawing ideas from one another, taking in the world from multiple perspectives, and really try to understand what is going on around them. 

One of the hardest things for me to remember is that I don’t always have an answer. When I was younger I felt like the therapist or the councilor of my friends. They would all come to me and I would give them solutions or try to help them understand their situation. Now, though, the problems are a lot more complex, and I’ve grown enough to realize that there isn’t always an easy fix. Empathy doesn’t always come so easily, either.

I suppose my point is only that I don’t want to become arrogant and stagnant as I grow older. Instead, I would like to become humbled by the knowledge that I do gain. Knowledge is power, they say, but it is a mistake to use that power for only personal gain.